the other side of identity crisis and creative dissonance

a short reflection on how i'm feeling and acknowledging the state of being i feel fortunate to have left

over the span of 3 months, i quit my job, moved to Paris, got broken up with, and had COVID for the first time. this happened in Q4 of 2021. it’s taken me years to fully recover—i was chronically burnt out, heartbroken, and couldn’t keep a working memory due to the post-COVID brain fog.

i moved to NYC from Detroit in February 2022. the city almost ate me alive, as it does with many who move with aspirations. i think what hurt me actually helped me, in that moving to a new city forced me to build a new identity from almost scratch. one that felt aligned with my new environment.

i had to find new things to care about, new people to hang around, and new things to fall in love with. it wasn’t always clear to me what I needed to do, but I explored. i experimented. i ‘followed the fun.’

i left my last job almost one year ago (May 19th, 2023) and it’s been a rough journey. in my recovery i allowed myself to get so lazy. so okay with the bare minimum. that’s never who i was, at least not when i felt like i lived up to the standards i wanted to keep.

i was broke, jobless, and clientless. for about a month i had no income and a crazy credit card bill (i still do). i borrowed money from a friend to pay rent because my parents were footing my sister’s art school bill. i was supposed to help with that. i felt desperate, and weak.

in that state of desperation, i had to reach deep within myself to reignite the fire i once had.

i had to piece back together the pieces of my identity i had stepped away from, along with new aspects of myself i collected over the years i was away.

it felt like a prodigal return, except i returned to myself. my new Self.

i’ve realized that identity crisis is just your body’s method of notifying you that who you currently are is no longer up to par with your standards or taste. something in you has changed, but the reality of you has not caught up yet. your state of being revolves around this sort of alignment. the dissonance you feel when little things add up—you can’t put together a good outfit, you’re not happy with the parties you’ve gone to, serendipitous interactions have become less exciting and more formal.

soon, it evolves and takes a tighter grip on your sense of reality—you’re no longer excited by the work you’re doing, your love life (or lack thereof) doesn’t bring you fulfillment or even release, you constantly seek to escape, to avoid.

if this sounds like you, then I have something to tell you—there’s a way out. it’s painful, and slow. but it’s worth it.

picture yourself as a heart surgeon. you’re holding a scalpel, ready to operate on what brings you joy. looking at your heart, you see a few dead spots. areas that blood flow no longer gets to. cut those out. fiber by fiber. you have to be careful so you don’t cut more than necessary lest you bleed.

your heart is your identity. what you care about—your virtues, passions, and convictions—keeps you alive. it’s what makes life worth living. when we are in the midst of an identity crisis, parts of our heart have died off, and we need to slice them out in order to regrow. painful.

i have good news for you though—this is the beginning of the new you.

there are parts of you worth keeping, and others not worth your time. sometimes you confuse one for the other, but that’s okay. this process is not cut and dry, fortunately. live matter will regrow, as your identity will.

the most important thing to consider is what makes you feel alive. when i left a steady (and highly) paying job for a pay cut at a startup, i did it because i thought the new job would be more fun. it was in certain ways, but it still didn’t work out.

i felt a tinge of regret, but i soon saw the silver lining — i took a chance on myself. i took one step towards following my instinct, following the ‘fun’. that was the first step i needed to take to reach the point i’m at now.

i write this to serve as a reminder to myself to follow the fun. i hope you do too.